skins sucks my balls on tuesday

After watching a preview chunk of episode 1 of the new skins, I was moved to mutter, "fucking hell. it's like two pints of lager with brain damage." As terminally shit as that sounds, I think that's exactly what they were going for.

Firstly, this will be the last series of skins. They have shat on their own chests. Every episode is increasingly, mind-blowingly vacuous and really worringly retarded, like actually suspiciously FUCKING RETARDED IN EVERY SENSE. Skins basically works on the premise that some cunt and his cunt son (yes, skins was devised by a father-son team, that's how gay it is) lounge around the house and type some things into urbandictionary they heard at the bus stop, and then go on drugsforum to see what the effects of these mysterious drugs are, then rank them in order of current coolness (notice how they say MDMA in every fucking sentence this time around, fucking douches), and then write some shots into the shooting script like

INT. LIVING ROOM
EFFY TAKES HER TOP OFF

or

INT. PANDORA'S BEDROOM
PANDORA TAKES HER TOP OFF,
[CUT TO] KATIE TAKING HER TOP OFF

...because skins' major viewing demographic is age 35 and over (?!?!!??!?!!). How do I know all this? Because I'm fucking lame! But I also wish to expose skins for being the shitpile of lies and pubes that it is.

The worst thing about this series is most definitely the characters. did you notice they cut out all the black characters? (apart from temporary character Thomas) I guess they got tired of writing in Jafaican. Also, the skins team is a little confused about what the kids think is cool at the moment. They're pretty sure plaid is cool, they're positive skating is making a comeback, but they're basically failing all over the place -the costumes FUCKING SUCK. Dr Dre - the Next Episode? Is it 1999? And Effy has gone from fairly smokin' to physically hateable. She's like that vaguelly goth-y grim slag that cries at every party over vodka. Anyway,

DEATH TO SKINS.

Z

btw - I'm basically upset that they didn't accept my script.

25 things

i must say that in light of the new 25 things "craze", my hitlist for antagonisingly dull fucking people has increased by at least 25.

right, so, to start. um, hi? this is nothing new you retard, this kind of chain wank has been around since the 90s? and now you're excited? now you're digging up all those anecdotal gems you had buried away in your shitty memories? occasionally, yes, there is a fact that scrapes the surface of vaguely interesting, but isn't it suspect that the vast majority of you ecstatic survey-doers are the most insecure fuckers of the whole bunch? PLEASE VALIDATE MY LIFE, each "fact" screams. it's desperate shit. --

"4. When I was two I used to dress up as a fairy." wow! you are so random! fuck off.

"8. I have never broken a bone." yeah, you must be like bruce willis in Unbreakable, very unique, fuck off.

"25. I'm getting really bored writing this now, lol." really? you're a waste of life.

there's another brand of survey-doers of course, the "postmoderns", whose fucking genius crazy-original survey begins

"1. I believe there is no point in this survey." ZOMG! did you read Kafka or something?! you're crazy clever. shit off.

you ain't gettin bo diddley outta thisun

Z

cold pumas & an experiment on a bird in the air pump

i have always been attracted to disurbingly long names. double-barreled surnames turn me on, lords and ladies, and track titles for the songs of the untouchable Liars. it takes balls to convince your label that the debut album simply must be called "The Unfathomable Haunt of Josie Davis' Aunt (She Left her Panicked Dresses on the Stairs)", or something.

with London's An Experiment... we are met with pure evil. stumbling up the lawn, where are the drugs?-style gloom that sits healthily between space art and lost vocals, with tones that even sound reminiscent of an early, deconstructed Swans. An Experiment... are nodding towards something truly terrifying. follow them. "The Violets of Dawn" is a tame, DIY thing, to ease you into the weird.




An Experiment on a Bird in the Air Pump -- The Violets of Dawn (r-click for dl)

Brighton's Cold Pumas are rather different. think minimalist, riff-insisting sunburnt Battles. i truly like the name too -- a pair of really wet, frozen puma campus sneakers that you see when you look down the stairs after you crash round someone's house. that's what we're talking about here. + one of their titles features a gorgeous pun about yeast and a long-forgotten sega master system/mega drive game.




Cold Pumas -- Foghat Rodeo (r-click for dl)

bonus: catch both these bands @ upset the rhythm soon enough...

S

The Smoking Game

so i've been meaning to put this up for a while. it's a totally fun game you can play with family & friends.

YOU WILL NEED: money to get cigarettes/tobacco, at least one friend (ideally a smoker), a lack of conscience

RULES: in The Smoking Game you buy cigarettes or tobacco. the winner is the smoker with the harshest picture warning. if you're having trouble figuring out harshness, here's the key::::

zero points: any non-picture label, or faux-encouraging positive advice on quitting (you may want to award -1 for this, it's your call)...

1 point: ["the Bent Cock"] aww! is that supposed to represent my penis? how thoughtful of you, yet how damaging! my self-esteem has been gently flung out the window. everyone knows smoking is a turn on. 1 point: ["the shit diagram of sperm"] this one looks like a 12-year-old girls bedroom wallpaper, why would this scare me?

2 points: ["the Pregnant one"] this is of course, infinitely more harsh if you're pregnant. but the vast majority arent. dont smoke if youre pregnant, nicorette's in fruit flavour now, for god's sake.

3 points: ["dont MAKE them breathe your smoke"] this is a fun one. i like this one because the kid looks cool, as does the smoke. i get this hilarious image of a nonchalant man smoking over a cot. don't MAKE THEM. DONT MAKE THEM.

4 points: ["smoking=heroin"] okay, you can sort of see the logic here. it's smoking> drinking > weed > speed > ketamine > shrooms > acid > coke > meth > crack > heroin. the well-established path. but... what the fuck?? smoking=heroin? um, not really. studies show that alcohol is actually more damaging, but they wouldnt slap this shit on a pint.

5 points: ["mister dead as featured on cigarette warning labels & as seen on tv"] this is a 5-pointer for pure comedy. enjoy this stupid actor's face. i can almost imagine how he snores.




6 points: ["the throat"] phwooar! nasty gouge there mate! thing is, i always picture this guy as a pretty dandyish parisian that probably gets laid because of the insane scoop from his neck. pity this is photo-edited, eh?




7 points: ["the classic lungs"] by now you probably think i'm in denial about the dangers of smoking. not so, everything here is true -- but look how gay they have to be about it. nice plastic biology-room lungs that haven't even been used for a single breath, and then DOOM DOOM DOOM satan's lungs from the bowels of hell, covered in lava. you will die you will be devil lungs. pshhh.. still, it is a classic.


*8 points*: ["surgery"] ...and finally, the absolute ace up yr sleeve -- the surgery! you've got a fucking operation happening on your packet! enjoy these boys, that'll be you on that table in ten years time, you complete idiot! a real man gets this packet. instant win (unless it's a draw -- then you have to buy another pack).

happy gaming!

S

KSD does not endorse smoking of any kind.

Matt K. Shrug & mazes

Matt K. Shrugg is good.

mazes are good.

can you feel the writer's block?

S

america's shit... (in terms of drug bannings)

most legal highs are shit. anyone that's stumbled into some tent at some fest and bought some shit for some money, will know that the comedown vast outweighs the piddly, 1/2 an expresso high you get from that shit. but, of course, there are exceptions. namely Salvia Divinorum, 100% legal in the UK and NZ, as it has been for literally donkey's, and yet now that some government twerp has seen a few fucking clips on youtube, it's become a stage one red alert oh no in Australia, as well as being banned, or being talked about being banned like it even matters, in more & more states in the US, to "protect the children". whereas overseas in gbr some old mare at a parish church made a petition to get Salvia discussed that no one signed. basically, this is why i love the UK -- no guns, just drugs.*

Z

*(and knives, standardly)

don't wear boots girls, boots are shit

churning this out before i go out. briefly, girls, don't wear boots, boots suck pus cock. chances are you have a pair of murky, post-Ugg boots that are brown and clash with everything. jack that shit in! i know it was fucking SNOW DAY today and everything, but i don't need to see how little effort you can put in for morning lectures/ et al et al. take leaves out of VivGirls' books -- nice moccasins, subtle pumps, sneakers, heels, brogues, whatever dude! just don't bore me with this shit.

S

p.s. if you are hot and you wear sneakers with panache you will get laid and also might get a boyfriend that doesnt stab you to death from sheer passive aggressive boredom. true story.