7 most disappointing things of the noughties

inject some yaba, down a pint of strongbow and ketamine, sit the fuck down and let me tell you how shit everything is

(figuratively speaking) :::::

No7. 7/7 -- well it wasnt exactly 9/11 was it?*

No6. the Dreamcast -- ok, if youre someone that has to click on every single link in blogs (and youre a complete pedant) youll see that the dreamcast came out in 1999, congratulations, fuck off. i actually loved the dreamcast, it was a beautiful console. but it died, and was buried in a cute lil grave next to sega.

No5. the Strokes '1st Impresions' -- the worst thing in the world is when bands realise other current bands, and, like bad, imagined relationships, try and forge some kind of compromise. '1st impressions' is disappointing on multiple levels -- Juicebox sounds like a bassy load of tit inspired by Johnny Borrel's mum's opinion on music, Vision of Division sounds like "a rock song", and about 80% of the tracks urge the listener to sigh sadly as soon as they begin. obviously, there are SOME good tracks, otherwise it wouldnt be the Strokes, but as Julian says in the droll Ask Me Anything, they have nothing to say. truly a burning out album.

No4. Skins -- ah, Skins. Skins was like the best, most colourful, imaginative wank ever, before I came. when I finally did come (exactly when the 2nd series started) i felt frankly dirty. frankly ashamed. i wore a hair shirt for some months, and a chastity belt on my thigh. the fact is that Skins (esp. series 2) is lazy writing, pubey acting and patronisingly put together. its a program designed to 'shut out adults', so the kids can learn about dubstep and crack (i have no beef with dubstep or crack btw), sandwiched inbetween a useless, profoundly self-conscious, ignorantly plotted cast of inaccurate stereotypes, dancing in a borderline racist (all black characters MUST talk permanently in jafaican, because that is just what they do in contemporary britain, give me a fucking break) load of old fuck.

No3. Klaxons 'Myths' -- pleh. absolutely pleh. fuck off. the album sounds like a reverby bath in an invented joke (being the one they actually DID invent - New Rave™). absolutely nowt to get excited about, because New Rave™ ended up being nothing about these kids - it was about 364 cmyk colours per outfit and any samples/shit you could grab from a 90s bargain basket (fair enough) - not about what these funky pricks made (annoying 'cheeky' basslines with stupid occasional Musey pianos and general stadium gumfy fuck off fuck off). Klaxons didnt save anyone with their Mercury Prize-pleased cake-eating, and now that theyve arrogantly fucked off for ages like 'a big band' should, i just hope their fans arent there when they get back. (they will be)

No2. Libertines -- a brilliant band. part of the horror of the Libertines is their stunningly depressing fall from grace. for a while it seemed that everything they were was building up to a true British moment in musical history, they were the Sex Pistols, they were the Beatles, blah blah blah. DOOM is what happened. 21st Century DOOM. doherty is now the ultimate, clinging background loser of glossy mags, the person we still pretend is a big deal, or worth watching as he comes out of prison. as genius (say what you like) as he and his band once were, he is in hell now, and he wont come out until he Britney Spazzes out of there.

No1. Jack Black -- i knew there was something suspect about Kung Fu Panda. the trailers for this piece of shit have been annoying me for some time, not least because of the 'hur hur, panda dat does kung fu innit' marketing aspect of the piece of cunt, but the cunt himself behind the motherfucking panda, Jack 'It's okay to be fat!' Black. RRRROCKSTAR. Black's humour is embarassing timewarped fucking uncle that just about grasped irony the other day, and realised it could save his pitiful life. what is so sublimely disappointing about the boy is how dismal he makes music sound -- School of Rock (and the rest)'s -- 'ROCK can SAVE THE FREAKIN WORLD' narrow-minded naivety is amazingly unpleasant. if Black's movies were about total musical failure, the irony would work, but as it happens, THINGS TURN OUT A-OK in his loudmouthed, doublechinned, disparate bubble of amazingly unfunny simpleton cancer.

FIN



*i have nothing but sympathy for the victims and anyone that was mildly flustered by 7/7

xAndy!

aesthetiksch

in 2008...

its insanely easy to become the best band in the world ever. literally the ONLY shitting thing in the world that matters is aesthetics.

LET ME EXPLAIN

music is advertising, but as all you girls know, Andy Warhol taught us that advertising is OK, so dont start crying thrrough your tired bloodshot marxist eyes yet. aesthetics applies to all aspects of a band (or music artist). ironically, even though no one has owned a cd in 5 years, artwork, appearance of a band, posters, photography, and visuals are pretty much 1/2 the deal. the music itself is part of the band's aesthetic, but even your dead cousin could tell you that when you 1st hear about a band, you are weighing up all aspects of them as a product, if only subconsciously.

00's bands & artists with notable aesthetics include:

The Strokes///////////////// these snotty NYC middle-class house party hounds got it super right. ironic minimalist nihilistic velvet garage rock. it's everywhere from the fact they have their producer and manager in the band photoshoots in the liner notes (that's the 00's armoured we-dont-mean-anything irony there) to the photography of the band - nonchalant monochrome blah, the sexy Is This It cover (the UK edition, natch), that peachy white arse with the S&M biker glove. it made hella sense, basically, and thats not mentioning the Bret Easton Ellis lyrics of Julian Casablancas, the endless, endless quaver patterns in every song (minimal noughties), yet this overwhelming sense that it shouldve been done before.

Kanye West////////////// arguably mainstream hip hop's ultimate, tireless reinventor (even though he sucks pretty huge balls now, how many ideas would you like from Ed Banger records this time Mr. West?), Kanye West's College Dropout was a clearly-defined new direction for the genre. and it was all thanks to the bear.. (?). West's early work was all about joyful, tongue-in-cheek wit combined with fit production and 'the thing everyone does in hip hop', being insanely high PITCH SHIFTED vocals! how stupid did that sound when you 1st heard it! (Through the Wire) but now, of course, stanndard.

Crystal Castles/////////// pretty much the ultimate aesthetic of the decade (ahem - the forward slashes?). I discovered this band way before you did and that makes me pretty happy, downloading poorly mixed versions of xxzxczx me (that was before they respelt it kid) about 4 years ago with Mp3 Gopher to satisfy my utter lust. Castles are at the stage now where pretty much anything they say goes. Castles have a picture of a bluebird on their MySpace? 'wow, arent bluebirds amazingly cool' ---- vid of Alice wearing a Vader t-shirt on youtube? 'i'm totally getting my star wars figures out tonight'. its pretty incredible really - they live on their own island completely - with taxidermy, thrift store synths, battered leather jackets, sheer punk sexuality, darkness, apathy, and as many stolen 8-bit samples as they like (and that, is exactly the point - they get away with anything). i plan to write a pretty dick-sucky, tit-licky post about their unreleased track 'Baptism' soon so stay tuned.

Kap Bambino///////////// one of the most exciting French acts of the moment, the hyperactively red haired, hoodied combo of sheer industrial doom. imagine every bassline from Parisian new dance put through one of Justice's compressors with a gorgeous slut on dist vox and youre basically there. I've been raving about them for a while, but perhaps they're too much for some. they're aesthetic is much like their predominant sound - contained chaos - their webpages covered in delicately scratchy drawings and montages.

Late of the Pier//////////// 1st Brit act in this list (i felt i had to boost numers jokes), LOTP have an astonishingly recognisable shtick, kind of Klaxons but not cunts shot through a visually autechre love for Gary Numan. I want to like them, haven't got round to it. (i wont)

These New Puritans//////////// are wannabe-chemists with Ian Curtis' old phonenumber and a weird tendency to run parallel with some really strange trends, yet tie it all together with gold and black string. for example, Swords of Truth begins sounding like some lost M.I.A. song and then becomes a bit BoNo Must Die-ish with weak boy vox, before J.B. sings '60 seconds', but it really sounds like a Missy Elliot song, but really not. they modelled for Dior (or some shit, cant really remember, you dont mind) even though they are supremely geek chic 4000, but that just made me like them more.

Those Dancing Days////////// i cant believe im writing this but i have an extremely guilty pleasure for these at the moment. : S x 4892. its something about that ice-cream truck organ and the hummable, sunwashed choruses. im not a paedophile. yet. anyway, TDD's aesthetic is simple as they are really - cutesy cutesy cutesy Swedes having cute fun alot alot.

Panda Bear/////////////// the actual brilliance. potuguese sun, sand, Beach Boys, looking after your newborn daughter, looking after your new fashion designer wife, paddling pools, a lot of animals, genuine courage. its an amazing aesthetic that Noah Lennox has, and perhaps because his aesthetic is basically his life, as pure as he can express it.

THE END

Andrew