DOOM - CELLZ

Hip hop is about to get good again. DOOM is in a position where he could feasibly lead the way to a renaissance of classic Bronxian hip hop, with an emphasis on political activism over simply selling-out, which has been one of the key stylistic features of Lil Jon's bastard children, who have managed, over the decade, to mangle an aspirational, original genre into a piece of molten shit.

That MF Doom has cut his name down to just DOOM sounds utterly prophetic right now. Nowhere on Born Like This is this idea of world-falling-apart-to-a-stoic-beat more pronounced and great than it is on 'Cellz'. This is not to say the track is stuck in the past. What DOOM has done in this key, counterpoint track to the LP is manage to forge experimentation with lyrically taught, disease-ridden, eerie, cruisin beats. 'Cellz' may sound like half a sound installation by David Lynch (I jest - it's Charles Bukowski), but seriously, it's what we need right now.

What to Do if you Hate People

If you are lucky enough to suffer from depression, or bouts thereof, unlike most of the happy-go-lucky shithawks you meet on a daily basis, you may find yourself asking this question -- 'How am I going to stop myself killing myself?' Then you pause, laugh it off -- 'Haha. I am so god damn melodramatic. Things aren't that bad.' But the truth is, my love, they fucking are. And it's because of people. Until the end of time, people are the ruiners of your life. People are idiots. Not just in a Dan Ashcroft 'Rise of the Idiots' way, but with crippling, unforgiveable desperation, throughout the entirety of life, forever.

Uncle Buk once said... "It's not the large tragedies that moil us to pieces - we are fucking well ready for those. It's the little scratchings and drippings...these things again and again, the similar small biting donnybrook continuous hail...these tear us to the final pieces. ah ha." ...But poets always kill themselves, as a rule, so don't fret too much. People are the reason for these small, gay things in life that tear us to shit. Misanthropy is where it's at. Get juiced on it. Embrace the hatred of your fellow man.

The day you realise that everyone around you is a shaking ball of insecurity, and/or a walking coma patient of retardation, can be quite a liberating one. Once you know that everyone is a zombie, you can say and do what you like, all the fucking time. Hey mum/dad! You're a right-wing retard! You've wasted your life except for making me! Hey (insert ex gf/bf name)! You're fat! And you've been getting increasingly fat since we split up and everyone knows! Hey, everyone from high school! You're all on the verge of disease, and despite what you thought when you were 16, you will never EVER be successful in any way! Phew. Man, is that ever liberating.

It doesn't stop there. The more you hate basically everyone, the funner and more useful it becomes. If you're in a band, stage-nerves disappear completely, because everyone in the audience is a cunt. If you're at university, you realise that your tutors all fit neatly into brackets of [old, caved-face feminist] or [type-a personality malfunction] or [compulsively ironic] or simply [douche master]. In the workplace, the scale is simple -- most cunt = manager, least cunt = you. But the best thing about hating everyone, is that sometimes, if you're lucky, someone will slip through your hate-sea, and you will love them, with epic swathes of love, forever.

S

THA DARRKK MUTHER FUCKINN KNIGHT!!!!!1111oneoneone

crayze times. this fucking fool wearing the batsuit backwards is my dead nan's racist cat. he's a wanker, but at LEAST he got well into the latest Batman Bonanza -- Los Darkos Knightos, which is criminally boom ting. search anywhere on google's face and you'll find reams of praise for Ledger's power performance of complete 100% joker doom. it's enough to start a trend of murky Old Greg seaweed hair, chelsea smiles and Afleck's Palace cheapazoid purple suits covered in Joker cum.

really the only prob with the film is that in comparison to Ledger's sheer delicious bastardness, everyone ends up looking a bit... sane? with 2-face being impressively shitly played by ""aaron eckhart"", whoever the FUCK that is, who's acting is limited to 2 facial expressions (...figures). Bale's batman is noteable for its sheer bruteness (throwing some G off a roof so it shatters his

legs was a bit ow), and his pimpy, crow's-feeted

Bruce Wayne does the job, but NOTHING in the film can or could match the sheer reality and relevance of the Joker.

you watch Ledger's Joker as one of his cronies, nodding along and laughing at any cool-sick joke he mutters, completely fucking convinced. in fact (although i do generally relate more to villains than heroes, as everyone that's cool does) he almost makes terrorism seem like a good idea. the anarchy of the Joker in TDK is very very fucking punk thank you very much, utterly violent (probably the most arousingly vicious 12A i've ever seen), yet he still manages to play Jester also, carrying the bulk of the laughs throughout the entire film. see it, it's sick. [4*'s] & in short, dont mix drink and pills if you're this talented.

zm

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baptism - a dissection

i always get the same, evil feeling going to see crystal castles live. it's something like meeting an old girlfriend, and being pleased but amazingly apprehensive, nervous even, happy but annoyed at yourself. 1st time i heard 'baptism' i was pissed in the taxi and i actually forgot who we were going to see, remembering with a sharp stab. it was fucking gorgeous, fucking rotten.

people think it's a cliché to invest anything in a band, to actually care about them, but despite everything, castles are the one band that mean it, but mean it just the right amount. they are brother and sister in incest -- symmetrical, parallel, complete opposites. the ultimate love or hate band. thieves, artists, ex-community service junk collectors, their sound, because that is the most important thing they have brought, really is the New One. you've waited long enough.

anyway. 'baptism' is a shweet track for several reasons. it's got the trippy skipping-rope music box blip-verse of 'Air War', and then from nowhere a heavy-set fuck trance chorus of absolute pulverisation. Glass' lyrics are the kind of thing you'd find on the prettiest and you always knew most talented girl in class' suicide note: "hold my head underwater/ do my best for my father", she orgasms (really fuckin Freudian, crystal castles lyrics), and then domestic/religious observations "touching in the bath / a rhythm saved for last". Kath claims that he was attracted to Alice as a vocalist because he was "looking for a poet", and it's clear what he saw in 14-year-old Alice's word talent (my favourite lyrics are from Mother Knows Best -


feel her tight between my thighs
from across the football field
its victory that i smell inside
and the smell contains no guilt

h e r p e s i can smell them through her dress
my daddy's wrong mother knows best

c c c is for cunt theres a sickness inside that i need to harvest
broken tramp have you seen her , i tried to love but now ill beat her

h e r p e s i can smell them through her dress
your daddy's wrong mother knows best
she's the one who brings me to life,
when i stab her with my hunting knife
broken tramp have you seen her ,
i tried to love but now i've beat her)


-- Glass' sense of simple, nihilist, narcissist highschool virgin suicide cooldark sex is another layer dats reely sexy when you uncover it.

I like the idea that Ethan is the brains and Alice is the brawn. Ethan is silent and Alice is vocal, but because Alice is vocal she is silent in interviews because she is a dancer, she is Art and Ethan is an accountant, talking Business. Alice is the face of the band, she is the visual and Ethan is the sound, hooded over. in fact, the idea of crystal castles dualism is so attractive it almost puts me off bands with more than 2 members.

anyway, that is not techinically true, because monsieur drummer (although i've heard they have many) is a fundemental part of the live castles sound. tracks like 'baptism' really benifit from live backing, as does the entire performance, even years and years ago when i saw castles in Stoke (because they go EVERYWHERE), in the dingy, sticky black land of the Underground, it was clear that seeing castles live is nothing like listening to them with headphones. for starters theres the STROBES of DOOM, which (because they kept them on the entire show, Alice thrusting the light into peoples faces, at one point smashing some fat guy who was getting a little too fresh with the light itself) actually give a really strange inebriated sense of drugginess if the place is dark enough.

so, now you know a little more about Crystal Castles. next week your mum.

Xndrxw

The Toenail Clippings I keep Under the Bed near your Swimming Bikini

happy JAmes! glad to see you cunt. Let me describe the dream I had. It was something along the lines of everything you ever needed to know was a metaphysical concept but you were a very workaholic scientific scientist with acne and you didnt think metaphysicals was anything like a munterfucking good idea, so you left it, even though in regular cicumstances you wouldntve done. THAT looped over and over until you wake up. That's what i dreamt.

I've had some other ideas - im gonna (or i might) draw little cute boy bIro illustrations when i do record reviews, if i do record reviews on this. it's reallly entirely up to me...
<------------------------------------------------ Persian Carpets! are still the bee's tits. ----------


I didn't get a job at a charity fundraiser also, so FUCK CHARITY FUNDRAISERS to the devils grave.........................................

When I was in primary school a child called Damien put stones in the water fountains so we couldnt drink.

HOW CRUEL IS LIFE

this is a list of what is really freakcing cool:

the colour black, in a triple-irony way.

bandnames that are as simple as possible, so that people remember them , also (for bonus points) featuring the word 'black'( i do actually quite like this trend. or do i?)

monochrome (since it couldve ONLY gone one way, and now that the only people that use the word 'rave' in a non-everyday, i'm genuinely excited way, or like '''''''neon'''''''''' in their still-active myspace (notice that myspace = colors, facebook = monochrome - people are much more prepared to settle for less, for subtlety, if they think its the right thing to do))

basically, if you think those new American Apparel adverts are too cool, you should get a life miss.

ANYWAY this is all a load of shit, and this load of shit couldve been told to you, a lump of shit, from any other blog in the webniverse. American Apparel are good to accentuate, no? anyway, all that matters is that you are as fucking punk as possible, because I predict a genuine punk rebirth under the water ---------- think about it ---------- think about how excited you got listening to PRE, Test Icicles, Cheerleader Camp and all those other horrible bands with no energy to stand but plenty to,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, fall down. and play chords n shit. The main thing to take away from this is that while the genre doesnt really mean shit, its only a matter of time before the punkness of punk comes to haunt you

p.s. blogs are well fucking punk

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